Dear Miss Manners: Could you suggest alternative replies to “I’m sorry” when one hears bad or unsettling news from family or friends? When one hears “I lost my job,” “My husband has cancer” or other bad news, a common response is “I’m sorry” to show our empathy. Yet, “I’m sorry” is a sort of apology, accepting one’s responsibility for an undesirable outcome. And the bearer of bad news often replies, “You’ve nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t cause this.”
An alternative might be a simple “I understand,” “That’s rough” or “Oh my. Tell me about it,” depending on the exact situation. What do you advise in today’s hypersensitive environment?
Not being so insensitive as to rebuff clear expressions of empathy. People do sometimes say hurtful things in response to suffering — usually some form of telling the sufferer to get over it — but “I’m sorry” is not one of them.
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Obviously what it means, in that context, is that one is sorry that such a bad thing happened. One can feel sorry about many things without being the agent who caused them. But if we are going to be persnickety about kind remarks, Miss Manners can think of objections to your suggestions:
“I understand” — no, you do not, because you are not going through the same thing.
“That's rough” — sounds flippant when applied to a tragedy.
“Tell me about it” — confidences on sensitive matters should be voluntary, not solicited out of curiosity.
Dear Miss Manners: When I am at home by myself, I like to scrape shavings off the top of a stick of butter, making the butter easier to spread. But I wonder if that is impolite. Should I, especially with company, cut off a small slab from the end?
What you need is a butter curler — not easy to find, but the proper instrument for scraping a long, thin curl of butter. When you are alone, you may attack your butter however you choose. Miss Manners is not peeking in your window.
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Dear Miss Manners: A few months ago, I had a local plumbing company come to my house for some drain cleaning and to have the main pipes snaked. It was a lot of work and a messy job. The company is very well known in the area and receives 4+ stars in customer reviews.
Afterward, I wanted to make a goodwill gesture, so I took a box of candy and a card to the company’s office. The owner’s wife works in the office, and as I walked in and started to express my appreciation, she mentioned what a bad job it had been. She then repeated it, then said, “You are lucky you have us.”
Sure, I am happy to have a reliable company to do this kind of work for me, but I left there feeling like a second-class citizen for trying to show appreciation. How would you have responded to a remark like that?
“Yes; I came here to thank you and say that, but never mind. You beat me to it.”
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2024 Judith Martin
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