Let’s be honest.
Valentine’s Day has more potential to hurt, harm, terrorize and traumatize people than anything Halloween serves up.
From the card and carnation campaigns that decimate kids’ self esteem in classrooms to the endless stream of pop-up ads online (“Say I love you with chicken”?), the start of February is triggering for anyone who isn’t feeling it.
Dark hearts have always abounded (I got to know one of them at an anti-Valentine’s Day party before I married him), but the growing crowd of “nopes” is getting more attention — especially from marketers.
And we see around us an uprising, in two ways.
“There are more anti-Valentine’s messages,” said Barbara Bickart, associate professor of marketing at the Questrom School of Business at Boston University. “Like nails, with black, dark daggers.”
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Nail designs are a big one — they can say “NOPE,” or “Ew, No” or have tiny middle fingers and hearts slashed by a “no” sign.
Etsy is a parade of snarky T-shirts, cards, candles and candy all aggressively anti-Valentine’s Day. They told me that searches for this kind of merch increased by 14 percent this year compared to last and that anti-Valentine’s Day T-shirts are especially hot this year — 34 percent hotter than they were in 2023.
There’s a “Love is in the air, try not to breathe” design with a combat gas mask.
Or a “Fries before guys” tumbler.
Maybe the “Stay away, Cupid” sofa pillow is just right for your new apartment.
Almost a third of the people who said they aren’t celebrating a traditional Valentine’s Day are still going to mark it somehow — 3 percent of them by purchasing one of these dark and delightful gifts, according to the National Retail Federation.
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It’s helping people reclaim control and assert themselves — rejecting the hearts and flowers narratives strangling them.
Last year, I wrote about the marketing schemes of zoos that will name a cockroach after your ex, then feed it to the beastie who likes that kind of thing. Some will even send you — for an added fee, of course — a video of the crunchy, cringey devouring.
This year’s entry in that anti-Valentine’s day movement is truly inspired. For $25, the Feline Rescue Association in Owings Mills, Md., will name a feral cat after your ex and neuter it on Valentine’s Day.
A couple years ago, the move to neuter Valentine’s Day was a little more subtle. Bickart spoke about the opt-out movement, where companies were offering consumers the option to opt out of Valentine’s Day promotions and sales.
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That kind of agency can lead to “strong brand relationships in the long run,” she said.
But it’s not something that’s swept the nation. There’s too much money to be made, after all.
Valentine’s Day — to the distaste of many and the delight of some — underscores the way our culture intertwines love with money, after all. Spending in our nation has gone from $17.3 billion in 2014 to $25.8 billion this year. And that’s beginning to include shades of the anti-Valentine movement.
Marketing has pivoted to hosting “Galentine’s Day” and other such things to capitalize on our feelings. Come have mimosas with the girls and remember that family is an expansive concept.
And it is, but what drives the black-heart irritation at the holiday isn’t superfluous. It’s actually quite deep. It’s a day that can illuminate big structural problems in our lives and remind us of how dang alone we are at a time the U.S. surgeon general has declared loneliness a public health epidemic.
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It’s not a day when suicides spike, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — nor are the other holidays usually pinned as self-harm triggers. But it lands right before the time of year that most suicides occur, in the spring and summer, when the rest of the world is emerging from the winter funk and those suffering from depression are left behind in their darkness.
It turns out that the most brilliant and bold move to combat the Valentine’s Day blues is happening right here in D.C., at my son’s public school.
“People uninstall Instagram from the 13th to the 16th,” he told me, when I asked what’s happening in his junior-year friend group for Valentine’s Day. “So they don’t have to see other people post their couple pictures.”
It’s a huge move.
“I think that’s amazing,” said Laryssa Creswell, a counselor with Fearlessly Inspired Therapeutic Solutions in Maryland and D.C. who specializes in teen girls and women.
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Most of her clients say that social media pressure is a huge battle in growing up, and empowering teens to say “Let me just remove this from being directly in front of me” is a big step.
It’s an important message that is being worked out in therapy sessions everywhere.
“I do often have clients who will avoid social media after breakups to avoid some of the uncomfortable emotions and thoughts it brings up for them,” said Andy Ferguson, a counselor who works with Maryland teens through Connection Counseling in Frederick, Md.
He asks his clients how they’re feeling when they see an ex on social media.
“Are their muscles tense? Is their heart beating faster? What thoughts are they having as they’re looking at pictures of this person with other friends or dating partners?” he said. And then he asks them: “Is this helpful for you to be on social media right now?”
This wasn’t specific messaging the teens at my son’s school got. It’s just something they figured out — an act of self-preservation, of self-love.
And while the growing trend on this day involves splurging on Valentine’s Day presents for yourself, what the kids are doing goes deeper than just treating yourself.
It’s about choosing yourself.
Bravo, teens.
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